


Isala Din'an

by KumoriYami



Series: An Elegy for Hope [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Darkish i guess?, Depressing, Dragon Age Kink Meme, Dragon Age: Inquisition Spoilers, Emotional Hurt, Emotions, F/M, Feelings, Hurt No Comfort, Inquisition Disbanded, Love/Hate, Post Trespasser, Post-Dragon Age: Inquisition, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, Trespasser Spoilers, Well of Sorrows, Wishing for death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-27
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-27 04:45:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5034226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KumoriYami/pseuds/KumoriYami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Isala Din'an - "In need of Death"</p><p>Estel Lavellan has lost her arm, her lover and all her hope for a better tomorrow. All she wants is for everything to end, but that choice is taken away from her like so many other things she could never control since her life was no longer hers and was in the hands of both of her greatest enemy and regret.</p><p>Post Trespasser</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I haven’t wrote anything like this for a while... and... I think I wanted to do something dark.... Now I feel horrible for doing so. Feedback welcome and greatly appreciated.
> 
> warning for descriptions of torture. Taken elements from 2 prompts on the DAkmeme. 
> 
> The first being Solas x F!Lavellan: Where is your God now?  
> http://dragonage-kink.livejournal.com/15543.html?thread=58493879#t58493879 
> 
> With the second being Heartbroken Lavellan post disbanded Inquisition  
> http://dragonage-kink.livejournal.com/15543.html?thread=58208439#t58208439 
> 
> I wrote this as part of Estel Lavellan's story who I originally wrote "Prisoner" for. Her name is supposed to mean 'Hope' well at least in LOTR elvish. Anyway this story takes place sometime after the Inquisition is disbanded and before the Veil is torn down in 'Sojourn of Prey' which I will eventually get to updating... *sigh*
> 
> This will probably be the first and last story I ever given an elvhen name....
> 
> Originally posted here: http://dragonage-kink.livejournal.com/15543.html?thread=58614455#t58614455

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man I feel trashy for even posting this but im trying to put all my stuff on Ao3 to help me stay... committed to writing. if you've ever seen my other stories you may have found that I had some issues there when I just stick to the kmemes...anyway now I may or may not get to posting my other angsty torture fic with Hawke one of these days... its floating around the DAKmeme somewhere...
> 
> also warning again for some descriptions of torture...
> 
> I made a few edits....

She is so very hurt inside. Anger. Sadness. Regret. Sorrow. Rage. Betrayal. Hatred. Heartbreak. Love. Too much love. She feels dead on the inside. He had left her again. Confused. Alone. Lost. Maimed. Broken.

Estel Lavellan’s mind was a mess. Still is a mess. Conflicted emotions rage inside her head in the days, weeks, and months following the Exalted Council. She loses her sense of time with the hurt in her head.

She stops feeling. She doesn’t want to feel. There is too much shattered in her heart.

She doesn’t want Cole to help. He knew all along and kept silent. She doesn’t want her friends to try and console her. They can’t. Not this time. Dorian is the only one who she speaks to now, that is if she speaks at all, though it was more appropriate to say he was the only one checking in on her.

She ran from them. Everyone. She disappears from the world. Cutting away from civilization. Abandoning her People. Hiding away from her clan. The Divine’s – Leliana’s spies, stop being able to locate her.

She had disbanded the Inquisition so that she’d be free to pursue the Dread Wolf, yet she would never know freedom as long as she loved him, and he was resolute in carrying out his task.

 _Oh, look more Venatori._ She is tired and exhausted when she stumbles into yet another ruin and fires off a spell. It was like a dance she had danced too many times and became sick of as it became her life.

She stopped caring. Her exploring ruins, finding lost history, and studying elvhen artifacts in lands that time forgot was only something that she had taken an interest in to give her a false sense of hope in finding anything to reach her lover…

Most days she didn’t even care that he wanted to tear down the Veil, all she could think of was how she couldn’t bear the thought of him being all alone. His greatest fear was dying alone…

She abandoned her concerns of mortality in her pursuit for him, and no longer took care of herself. If she died, her sprit would linger in the Fade for the last time, and she could imagine him then. It was her odd pillar of strength whenever she managed to find an eluvian, though never able to activate the mirror. More than half of them were protected by magic, and she had tried smashing them if only to shut down another door of unknown and possible devastation, and to simply see if she’d be able to.

The Well of Sorrows had prevented her from breaking a number of them meaning Mythal did not want her to, or that is what she hoped. Fen’harel had a connection to the goddess she had been bound to so she could not confirm or deny if that was true.

“It’s the elf who slept with the Dread Wolf! Get her!” Anger doesn’t even register in her emotions as she began casting another spell. The first had burned two of their number into ash. The Venatori had been surprised, but she was vastly outnumbered as always, not that she cared. “Just let me die,” she mutters under her breath as darkness of exhaustion takes her.

* * *

She screams.

Molten hot metal burns into her back, searing her flesh.

Her body shrieks in pain, but she can’t move. They’ve chained her down against a slab of cold stone that made her feel like a sacrifice on an altar with her limbs spread out. She was completely exposed save the blindfold that prevented her from seeing anything.

She almost passes out from the raw pain, but the metal’s removed off her back, leaving her almost convulsing.

Laughter suffuses the air at her reaction. “Do it again in about five minutes, can’t have her passing out on us.”

“Agreed. The Dalish say that the Dread Wolf walks in the Fade. Can't have a non-existent god getting wind of this.”

“Not like someone would believe that this was Fen’harel’s whore.”  
   
“To think that a heathen elf was once the might Inquisitor.”

“The south must have truly lost it.”

She doesn’t bother hiding her pain and agony. It’s easier to let it go as the tears stream down her face.

She screams again when she feels more metal burning into her back.

........

… A symbol.

The thought somehow forms itself in Estel’s broken mind. Her nerves were wailing for an end of everything.

They were branding her with some emblem of sorts, not that she cared. Her consciousness drifted off as the torture continued.

* * *

“All right, what's next?” A sharp voice is heard somewhere nearby when she's doused with cold water causing to shriek again. It's owner oozed sadism. “We still haven't done preparing our _offering_ to her false god."

“A god that wouldn’t even look at her when we’re done.” More laughter erupts from the group, and Estel finds that comment cuts into her soul more than what any blade could possibly inflict. Her gods were no longer gods, and the only ones she had left had either disappeared or left her. "By the way, can I go next?"

"By all means, Rahne. Go grab your tools."  
  
“Where are your gods now?” Laughter cackles in her ear the same individual pulls her up by her hair before she feels a tongue licking the tears dropping down her face before spitting at her. He had heavy steps. "Disgusting."  
   
Her good arm doesn’t let her go far since there’s a heavy shackle around it, before she’s callously dropped, causing to grunt out in pain again. “With all these rumours of elven rebellion, we might as well take our time. You’re lucky you fried Cybil earlier. While he’s the better torturer, he tends to kill people sometimes. Rahne though, she’s good at keeping them alive while she works.”

_“There’s no one coming to save you, elf.”_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word crashed on me the first time I posted this so i lost my work. Sighhh. Recreating things is hard for me.... Btw Estel Lavellan is a rift mage.
> 
> I swear I feel trashy right now for just posting this. 
> 
> with more edits than the dakmeme...

_Just let me die…_ Her voiceless screams ring out in her mind over and over again as she struggles to determine what is real and what isn’t.

The Venatori had unfortunately been true to his word. She felt like dying a dozen times over as she was periodically tortured, and she couldn’t tell how long it had been since she had fallen.

The backs of her ankles had been sliced, her soles had been burned, her bones broken, her blood felt like it was on fire, she had experienced countless lacerations… and that was only what she was aware of. Her body hurts all over and she’s feeling extremely nauseous on the inside.

She had somehow managed to retreat in what memories that remain untouched by heartache as she drifted between the reality she was facing and better times. Once, Estel would have surrendered everything she was to reach him before but now….Now she would welcome death’s embrace with open arms…

It’s a funny thing, coming to terms with her own morality. After the Exalted Council… she often dreamt of joining the dead by walking the Din’anshiral simply to stop feeling. Given how cadaverous she felt, it would have been completely of her own will.

She had thought of praying for help, even in her addled state that her mind was in, but hope… her prayers had apparently never been heard by anyone good, and she didn't expect any of her gods to answer. The thought of seeing him… It was a wish she didn’t dare hope for. Hope had been lost to her when she disbanded the Inquisition. Hope had been lost to her as it carved another scar into her already broken heart. It would be more merciful never to see him again. Then, she would never have to worry about a god playing games with her heart… or think about how she still loved him.

There was a fine line between love and hate, but she no longer knew where she stood by that line. She hated him for what he did… leaving her alone not once but twice when she needed him most… yet she still loved him. It was a curse of her own making that she lacked the will and power to rid herself of. She just couldn't.

Nothing really mattered to her anymore. Not even herself. She still can’t see when she feels the sting of another lash on her flesh that brings her back to reality. She can imagine the countless ways that she’ll be forced to cling to this shell of life she has now when she feels magic being prepared…

When she made the Fade her field of study, it made Estel more susceptible to feeling the effects of magic. Magic seemed to have a tendency to burn everything of hers that she cared for. Out of reflex, she braced herself, but no blow came.

Instead, she could briefly make out the sound of people swinging open a door… The dropping of various metal instruments and the sound of readying weapons. “We’ll secure the perimeter.”

 _“Kill the intruders!”_ is yelled nearby but she can hear the voice contort almost a second later after one of the words is spoken into unshakable fear.

“Thank you, but there is no need.” Almost instantly after that, she hears people running away, or it would be more likely to say doing their best to get out of the way as she feels the presence of powerful magic come even closer. Not even a minute later the frantic steps were all but silenced, and soon all she hears is someone smashing stone. Several times.

_“Curse you knife-ear!”_

“You should not touched that who is mine.” Someone incredibly angry heaves who she supposes is the last person into the air before viciously throwing him to the ground.

Her heart sinks at the words and for a minute, and she can feel magic being invoked again. It felt more powerful then what happened to mages who captured Wisdom… then silence.

 _No…_ that’s… _impossible…_ she doesn’t know if she wants to believe what she’s heard. It hadn’t been the first time she had heard things that her mind wanted to hear. To escape. To comfort. To anything that would let her deny what she was feeling, but now… she knew.

Her ears perk up slightly as the sound of familiar steps as they close in, and it causes her blood to freeze. All she wants to do now is run away. If she sees him again… she knows that she’ll lose herself. She’ll fall back into a trap that she’ll never be able to escape. She’ll never be free of her need of him…

The Dread Wolf would take her again…. Yet she makes no effort to move as she feels the hand on her face.

_“Vhenan.”_


	3. Chapter 3

_“Damn you…”_ The though somehow forms as she knows that she’s under a spell that pulls her away from consciousness when she feels her physical form being moved. When she made her field of study the Fade, it was originally to somehow to feel closer to Solas, but now she was regretting that since she could immediately tell that she was in the Fade.

She wished she could believe in the illusion or lie that that the Fade once offered her in dreams. Easier to face this than reality.

Estel finds herself in the Temple of Mythal and she wonders if this is actually one of her own dreams given that she hardly dreamt at all anymore. If anything she was always plagued with nightmares and the allure of despair…

There were times when she wished she had accepted the demons’ offers. They could make her stop feeling what she was feeling, but somewhere inside her mind… she knew she couldn’t truly be at that peace that way, not that she ever had that since the day the Anchor was branded into her... It would have… _disappointed_ him if she allowed her spirit to become… dominated by a demon though she wonders why she still cared what he thought since he could still play her like a puppet…

“This is a dream.” She murmurs softly and sadly as she gazes around the Temple. She could still recognize the beauty of the place despite how broken she felt. It remained untouched save from the damage Corypheus had done to it.

Her dreams, if she ever had them any more were prisons of her own making as they only reminded her of what was lost. The Temple of Mythal was the only place that she had been able to preserve in her mind, and was the only place in the world where she could find relative peace ever since her belief in the Creators was stolen from her and all she knew was proved wrong. Once she had been told the Dalish remembered fragments of fragments, and even that was lost to her…

Still, she forces a small but extremely brief smile onto her face as she walks through the temple. Everything from the eluvian to the murals and statues were still there….just as she remembered it. She had chosen to partake in the Vir’Abelasan willing for power, for the means to stop Corypheus, for knowledge, for heritage… for her _People,_ though she was no longer certain she could trust _her_ People anymore…. Her People who were not _his_ People, and his followers were everywhere.

Her breath catches when she finds herself in the outer sanctum as her eyes gaze upon the statue of the Dread Wolf, and she immediately falls to her knees and sobs before it. _Damn him, curse him, curse her…_

 _‘May the Dread Wolf take you,’_ was a phrase that entered her mind often, and given his blighted dominion of her heart of glass, she couldn’t do anything still. He caused her to feel a love like never before, yet broke her heart in so many ways that she ever thought possible.

The sad reminder she gives herself renews her energy for a moment as she remembers how she had been practically been dying when he found her… She knew there were ways to keep someone in the Fade and asleep against their will, but if she gathered enough power there was a chance to break the spell…She had been dying when he found….

“Stop, vhenan.” All she can do is stare at him when he appears in front of her, cutting her route of escape to the rest of the temple, and forces herself to stand. She stares at the elf with her heartbreak still ever-present for what feels like an eternity, almost thinking that this is just another figment of her imagination though she can tell that he’s real given the surge of power in the Fade. She wants to throw her arm around him… To touch him… To hold him… but she doesn’t.

Instead, she does her best to ignore him as she walks along the path, forcing her eyes to not meet his. She bites her lip nervously as she walks by. Hoping, that her emotions don't show more than that and the tears dropping down her face. "Maybe I’ll just throw myself off the temple side. Anything to wake up sooner..."

“I cannot let you do that, vhenan. The hand that seizes her by her wrist is both firm and unmoving.

“Can’t? Or won’t?” She laughs as she considers the irony of how every event in her life before she met him, and even before that, had been due to his manipulations. Her laughter is bitter as it hollow.

“Your current physical condition… is in a delicate state.” Seeing the obvious concern on his face though only serves to rouse her ire.

“So? What do you care? Last time I checked you _abandoned_ me _._ Twice! There’s got to be a record on how someone’s heart can get smashed into pieces!” Her words come out harsher than she intended, but she doesn’t care. She can’t care anymore. “It would be so much easier if I could just…”

 _Die._ The word never makes it past her lips as she closes her eyes and feels him pull her in close. She hadn’t been able to… _kill herself_ admittedly though she wanted to. The Vir’Abelasan prevented her from doing so both in the world of the living and the Fade… which was depressing. The death of a mage in the Fade would render one Tranquil and that....It could, _No._ It _would_ make it easier for her to stop feeling if her emotions were cut off completely in addition to the curse of dreaming.

She honestly wished that he hadn’t bothered saving her in the first place, then she would never have to deal with all this. She didn’t need him constantly watching her like a self-appointed guardian declaring what she could or couldn’t do anymore....

“Damn you Solas…” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh, I still feel sorry, trashy, horrible and awful for writing this.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sigh... rather than word crashing on me like it did when I wrote the second chapter, my entire computer crashed and now im regretting the loss of my work on multiple stories that didn't save correctly.... *sighhhhhhh*
> 
> I swear I only have about three other stories that im working on that still keep me from writing for other things and existing stories that im trying to keep posting... I'll get to Sojourn of Prey eventually and adding that and Prisoner to this series later but its 3:30 in the morning... and im just feeling angsty....

_“Fen’Harel, she’s stirring… We need her asleep or we might lose…”_

She hears the words echo in her ears like they were being spoken right next to her despite being in the Fade and it made her heart sink. The words were laced with urgency. He _was_ keeping her asleep. Why couldn’t he just let her go?

There was no way that she wouldn’t try to take advantage of this chance if it would let her expire… Immediately, she pushes away from Solas and concentrates on gathering magic, power, energy and everything that would let her get out of this damned situation she was in as she starts running.

“Vhenan, stop!”

Parts of the Fade fluctuate as she continues, though unsure of where of where exactly she could go. The Temple was an isolated location and there was no way she could control the dream to take her elsewhere.

She feels like a rabbit futilely running away from a hunter that she knew she couldn’t escape though she still searched for one as she felt him manipulate the Fade as he followed. Even if this was her dream, she knew his power far outmatched his and she lacked the will to even fight him. He was the master of everything of hers even here…

Somehow though, she manages to elude him for a period of time as she runs through the halls of Mythal’s Temple, but she knows it’s all over when she takes a wrong turn into a dead end in the inner sanctuary. She had never memorized the path and now she was regretting that.

He seizes her by the shoulders and while it does stop her focus, she instantly recoils away from his touch as her hand reaches to hold the small portion of her left arm protectively.

Estel was… _extremely_ self-conscious of her missing arm – especially since she now knew that it was his accursed magic that took it away. She was still plagued by the fact that it had was undeniable proof that she had been scarred by Fen’Harel’s magic and manipulated like a pawn. A constant and cold reminder that her hand was not the only thing she had lost.

_Don’t touch me!_

She doesn’t trust her voice so she remains silent and shakes head with trepidation in response. When he tries reaching for her again, she goes as far as to slapping his hand away out of sheer panic. She was backed into a corner again in all aspects… and her back was against a wall. No escape.

“You must stop this.” He looks at her with shock at her reaction given that he visibly tenses. She felt stricken with terror, worry, sorrow, anger, regret….

 _No…_ “I refuse.” Her eyes meet his for a moment before they break away and she whispers. “ _It’d be better to ask me to stop breathing_ ….”

“You _will_ die if you continue with this.” Her breath catches when he reaches for her and touches the side of her face. His mere touch still gave her a sense of peace and belonging…

“And if that’s what I want?” She didn’t want to face tomorrow with the thought of him always hovering in her mind. She didn’t want the baggage that came with being the former Inquisitor. She didn’t want to be burdened with knowing that she belonged to the Dread Wolf.

“I would not allow it.” The change in his expression is immediate as he looks away for a moment with guilt in his eyes though his hand remained.

“Of _course_ you wouldn’t!” After realizing that she’s finally said it, all Estel finds is a self-depreciating smile on her face as she lets out sick, weak laughter. It feels better to finally let it out given her melting pot of emotions that continued to burn her. She would do better if she didn’t need to feel love. It left her vulnerable, damaged….and in agony. “Of course you wouldn’t…”

She falls to her knees as she weeps, and to her eternal chagrin, he touches the side of her face again as he kneels before her. His fingers linger on her tears for a moment before they reach the end of her chin and gently tilt her head upward so that they see each other’s’ eyes. She doesn’t even try resisting his gaze now. There are conflicting emotions warring on his face when his eyes lock onto hers, but it’s when she sees the same glow in his eyes that she seen had only seen only once from him, with the other time being when Flemeth…No that wasn't right. It was the same look that she had seen when  _Mythal_ had commanded her for the first time, she was feeling the distinct emotion of fear creeping into her at that was being directed at the one she cared for the most. 

It’s the last thing Estel sees before her mind blanks out.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> je suis triste.

She lets out a sad sigh as she finds herself awake, unfortunately recognizing how she was back in the world of the living. She could feel the accursed familiar magic of the Veil when she concentrated enough. His damnable Veil that he was still set on tearing down, and right now her own magic felt pathetically weaker than usual compared to it. Probably because of how she honestly felt like she was still about to fall over given her current state, just like she could never stand up against him. It’s another thought that she needs to compartmentalize and lock away.

Her eyes dart around the unfamiliar room for a moment since Estel hopes that there’s no one watching her. She’s never liked being observed for any reason, especially if she had been sleeping. There’s a small sense of relief she gets once she sees that she’s alone and that the door to the room has been left open. She’s sitting on a bed in a room of pure white stone with a giant window that was just out of reach letting sunlight in and offering a glimpse of a world she had only seen once before she had lost everything.

There was no way she’d be able to reach the window to escape whatever situation she was in this time… Estel had no means of even elevating herself and the bed she was on wouldn’t give her enough of a boost to escape. Maybe she could use the mattress or the bedframe to try something later, but she lacked the strength to move anything.

She frowns as she examines herself. Someone had put her into a new change of clothes. Simple clothes – a tunic a pants. Something that one might wear as a patient. The idea that she was being looked after by him makes her sick. He was perfectly fine leaving her alone unless she did something that would harm herself, and would evidently stop her. He had… She was hoping that she had imagined that light from his eyes that one time, but before she woke up she had clearly seen it. 

The idea that Solas murdered Mythal for her power sends a chill up her spine and spurns her into moving. She has no idea if that’s correct or not, and frankly she does not want to know. She does not like the notion of being controlled by someone she had not given to hold her strings… Strings which she had given to a different god once she had bound herself to her.

Admittedly, binding herself to Mythal… and knowing that she would make herself the deity’s servant… she didn’t actually mind the idea as the First to Clan Lavellan, but that had been _her_ choice. However knowing that someone else aside from Mythal could control her now? She had enough problems in her life from a certain elvhen god who was not actually not a god but a mage, and not actually exactly like what her People had depicted him as though he had certainly fooled her…

Tentatively she moves to the base of the bed and sets a foot on the ground carefully. Her feet are still extremely sore so she hopes that it will mean her footsteps will at least be quiet. It takes her a while, but eventually both feet reach the floor. Her entire body is still aching and she can’t muster any real effort to move. It takes an even longer time to try pushing herself off the mattress, but once she after she tries a second step toward freedom, her knees collapse beneath her, sending her crashing into the ground face first.

Her ankles feel like they are fire as she curls her body the best she can on the stone floor to try and touch them. Just touching the backside of her heel sends a flare through her body that causes her to writhe in pain and let out a small scream that she immediately clamps down on. The cuts there were probably beyond her ability to heal and were deep enough so that she couldn’t even balance. For a moment she entertains the idea of just continuing to torment herself until her brain overloads from the pain, but the silhouette cast over body makes her freeze in place.  

Regardless, physically she couldn’t have gotten up even if she wanted to. She doesn’t look up, rather she can’t move her head to look up, much less turn over onto her side so that she can see him standing in the doorway. He had probably heard her and came to see if she was okay… damn him for caring, and damn her for slipping up…

There’s a very obvious disapproving sigh that he lets out as she hears him move closer to her pitiful self. Her left shoulder still tenses when his hand touches her as he carefully turns her body over so that she’s mostly upright with her legs sprawled behind her.

“Please vhenan… Do not do that again. You are nowhere near healed.” Estel thinks that her emotions are going to burst again as he hears the concern in his voice mixed with the love he still carried for her he gently lifts her up in his arms before depositing her back on the bed so that she can sit. He was still concerned for her… “Are you cold?” 

She looks up at Solas for a moment as she feels hands on hers. She hadn’t even realized that she had clenched her hand into a fist to with enough force to the point where it was shaking and white. She shakes her head no as her gaze meets his. “Why can’t you just let me go?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're a reader of any of my other stories, I don't know if i'll be able to update this week... 2 tests and 3 projects due this week and the only reason why I could post this was because I had written most of it a while ago.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year... I bring you another mostly depressing chapter... huzzah....
> 
> lol.
> 
> *sigh*
> 
> wanted to update earlier but as I mentioned before in one of my other fics, one of my family members is on palliative care so my life's a bit... hectic to say in the least right now.. though I am still trying to update everything asap. sorry....

A tear drops from her eyes as she closes them. She didn’t need to see his face turn away as she already saw the guilt in his eyes. He couldn’t. _Void take him._

Estel lets out something of a pained wail as she sobs uncontrollably, her body curling into his warm embrace. Even now her traitorous heart was seeking comfort from the one who had betrayed her, the one who had broken her, the one who had shattered her very being. There is no escape for someone like her. Constricted by her own emotions that cursed her. No escape she could hope or pray for that would spirit her away from the Dread Wolf save death. “I’m sorry, vhenan.”

He holds her like he used to. Holding her until she stops shaking as she chokes out her worries and tears. Being the one to calm her. Soothe her fears. To let her know that everything would be okay. Back in simpler times when she literally had the weight of the world on her back as it depended on her. It was ironic to know now that the one she had trusted, the one she had believed in, and the one she loved, and still loved more than anything, was the one who was planning on cause the same world to come crashing down again. The world that he had broken for her, time and time again.

“I wish… I wish I could stop dreaming.” It’s all she manages to blurt out when he releases her from his grasp after she’s stopped shaking. His expression tells her not to say that, but she really can’t help it. Or anything really for that matter. Or even help herself. “….Then I…. I could… I wouldn’t be real enough for you to care about.”

 _‘I will never forget you.’_ His words from before…. They still echo in her ears. Before he had disappeared again, and before she had started wanting to disappear herself as the breach in her heart could no longer be mended after learning the truth… His words… they were full of promise. Promises of how he would always remember and treasure the time that they had before he had taken that away, and of the unspoken promises that would doom her to the hollow shell she had become. One who was devoid of hope for that better tomorrow that he would speak of. The future for his People which didn’t include her or the rest of her world.

“I just… I can’t….” Her words stop in the back of her throat as she finds she can’t quite find the heart to say it as he brushes away her tears. One glance at him reminds her though her heart had already been cut out of her, and that he was the one who had gouged it out for her. “I just can’t keep living and hoping for a future that I can never believe having.” Her body curls up again as she shuts her eyes, not wanting to see anything, turning away from what she sees. “I can’t….. There’s no future for me! I can’t even dream for a better future, let alone a better tomorrow! Not as long as I…!”

She’s not exactly sure what betrays her at that moment when his hand grips on hers. Her voice, her will, or perhaps the emotions that he still had mastery of. _“Vhenan.”_ The simple word fills her body with warmth yet chills her to the bone, stealing all of what little will she has from her soul, in the very same breath. She had endured much and too much loving the Dread Wolf, of that which that had taken her far part her limits of what she could stand. “Estel... Please don't say such a thing... My love for you was never a lie.”

She says nothing as he pulls her in close so that she’s once again in his arms. Trapped. She doesn’t resist as she feels magic in the air, and on her skin. She couldn’t fight him, let alone hate him despite how much she wanted to let him go. The heart he had been so tender with and exposed to such love had been left with an un-healing wound that was always left raw. Forever scarred by her greatest betrayer who still had her heart in his hands.

Estel is like clay in his hands as she can’t even find the heart to resist his spell as he kisses her. It's a small... reminder of the fate she had been bound to. One which she couldn't escape, and where her life… wasn’t hers anymore.

It’s an unfortunate reality she faces in her last thoughts as she lets his spell take her, making her fall asleep in his arms.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey. went awol from ao3 and the kmemes. will try to update everything as soon as I can but I needed time away from everything since my aunt passed away and haven't been writing since. hope these chapters are okay. posting 2 today.

She didn’t dream.

The realization that she had a dreamless sleep is a slight but welcome surprise given how she had dreaded sleeping. The last time she had slept like soundly was when she had been in the company of another… who thankfully wasn’t there in the room with there. Or it would be more accurate to say that she couldn’t sense him. Hopefully he was in the middle of some world-ending sort of business that took him away from where she was, but she knows better than to trust hope. Not when it left her in a permanently vulnerable state that she could do nothing about. Hope had abused her enough, and too many times had she gone past the threshold she could bear.

At least now it was dark outside now so she didn’t have to burden herself with seeing anything she couldn’t bear to face. It was….so different to how she used to be. Now she desired to see anything but the truth to escape from reality though that was wishful thinking on her part.

Estel frowns for a moment as she finds her strength renewed and that she can stand on her own feet as she pulls herself up. Her senses felt dull and her mind sluggish, but she could still feel the soreness on her back, as numb as she felt. It was... a different hurt since it felt more spread out than before. She’d have to check it later. Gingerly she coaxes a flame into her palms, almost not trusting that she won't be able to _not_ burn herself, but she needs to know what new misfortune has befallen her, and to her dismay, the skin on her arm looked new and healed… She couldn’t even find any of the scars she had picked up from the Inquisition, or even the ones she had earned growing up.  

Anger courses through her for a moment as she thinks of him. She wants to lash out against him, but she knows that the rage will fade soon enough when it came to him. Always doing as he pleased. Always pulling her back when she need him to let go. He couldn’t help her the way she needed him, and he certainly couldn’t help save her from own fear, much less fix her so that she could be whole again. She’d never be the person who she was before. The person who he had fallen in love with – that person was broken beyond recognition, in her opinion anyway not that it mattered to him…. The person who she was now was still beyond repair, still cursed by what they once shared.

Estel had already acknowledged that she’d always be second for him. It would probably be more appropriate to say that she’d never be enough. She couldn’t compete with the Fade, much less _his_ world, or even _his_ People. She lets out a small sigh as she contemplates the thought. How in Mythal’s name did she let herself foolishly fall for someone like him anyway? How was it that in all of Thedas that the one she had been taken by the Dread Wolf? What was the use of even trying for the sake of the love they had which she still desperately yearned for, when she already knew that she would be rejected again, and again? Why did she even try pursuing such thing that would only burden their… rather, her heart?

They’re unfortunately pointless questions to think about much less ask, especially since she had let him into her heart in the first place, as she pulls the mattress off the bed she had been lying on, stripping it of its bed sheets. She had never been the hazardous sort during the time of the Inquisition but Estel was never really the brash type before, and she can’t think of any other way to get away. Unfortunately there isn’t any other piece of furniture lying about, or even a book, so she’ll have to make do with the bedframe. If there had been anything else, she would have tried shattering the window with it to try and bleed herself out after getting her hands on a piece of glass.

It’s a stupid method of trying to escape from the world since she knows that her own arm will move against her own will because of the magic that bound her would stop her from even slicing her own skin, but it was hard not to think of such things. Not that her thoughts were ever truly there nowadays. She was perpetually lost in her own mind ever since learning the truth….unable to find freedom in her own thoughts. Their relationship had started because he had seen her as a tool to achieve his own ends… and no matter what they once had, and what she still craved to have with her very soul, it didn’t change how their relationship had been built on his manipulations and machinations…. The Trickster’s specialties apparently. Deceit and lies. Lies which had fooled her loving their People’s… No, that wasn’t right. The Dread Wolf was a somewhat noble figure against the tyranny of the Evanuris and the injustice they had inflicted onto Mythal. She acknowledged that, but it didn’t change how Solas was now the world’s- _her_ world’s greatest… enemy.

It takes a while but eventually she manages to push the bed frame up against the wall, and climb up on top of it. It’s a start given how it isn’t high enough to the window that separates her and freedom, but it’s enough of a start as she forms a stone’s size worth of ice and wraps it in cloth so that she can use it to fling it to break the window and use the rest of the sheet as a makeshift rope. She’d rather fashion a noose, but it would be too difficult for her clumsy hand. A rope will have to do. From there, it would be simpler to escape into the surrounding wilderness to be lost forever… perhaps to drown herself from exhaustion since she felt tired enough. It wouldn’t be the end she had hoped given how she had been purposely reckless, hoping for anyone or anything to deliver a somewhat more quick and painless solution to lessen the oppression she felt from the dilemma of her own existence…. All she wanted was to be freed of her burdens and hope for an easy enough end to all things…


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> post 2 of 2 for today

Her feet take longer than she’d like to recover from the fall, but at the very least she was back walking as opposed to crawling since she couldn’t stand the idea of waiting to be caught while resting. It was a small mercy that the shattering of the window wasn’t that loud and she had gotten away with a number of shallow cuts from the glass she had landed on. Years of breaking windows in human settlements with her friends without attracting attention had helped. It was funny though. When she and the other of the clan were all younger, it was one of their favourite ways to relieve their hatred of humans. _Shemlen._ There’s some idiocy in how her past-self behaved that manages to alleviate her mood as she continues what she thinks will end badly, just like everything else in her life that happened since the Inquisition.

She hadn’t met any humans really when she engaged in such activities, and all she wanted them to do was burn. Like their Andraste. For a young Dalish elf it was normal given all history they heard of the Chantry’s excuse to destroy everything their People had to the ground in addition to taking their lives away in the name of their so-called Maker. Her views eventually softened though didn’t completely change since she could never excuse the Exalted Marches as it was an injustice against her People, but they were different with the people she met as she became the mage who was First to her clan. As First, she was always expected to help ensure any interactions the clan had with humans went as smoothly as possible. It wasn’t for the sake of future trading that motivated the clan’s decision to have someone tasked with such a thing, but rather because they didn’t want to earn the ire of human vengeance, just as human traders took similar steps to not earn themselves the wrath of Dalish arrows.

When it came down to it, she knew that it really didn’t matter _what_ humans were since in some ways her People and those they interacted with were the same on some levels. Ears aside, they had hopes, dreams, aspirations… emotions that could allow them to be sympathetic, fall in love, show generosity, get angry and hate… they could see things the same way, and react similarly as one of her People would, and it would have nothing to do if they were elves or not.

Estel can’t help but sigh as she continues wandering in a direction that she hopes will give her the means to both exhaust and end herself. Her path is illuminated by the countless stars overhead that offered both beauty and peace to anyone who simply looked up into the night sky. Every person in Thedas presumably would see the stars just as she did, magic or not. They would see a sight of dazzling wonder, far outstretching the heavens which couldn’t be stolen or kept away by any force that anyone could use or even imagine, and it would not matter what one was to see such a natural wonder…. Why did he have to see everyone so differently? When it came down to it, everyone wasn’t as different as they seemed to be…

She’s not sure how long she’s walked or how far when she finally feels damp earth beneath her feet. At the very least, she can’t see the old elven building of stone that she was prisoner to, so that meant that she had walked a fair distance. It’s a small comfort to be surrounded by nature again as it almost gave her the feeling that she was home again. Back where it was safe and where she didn’t have to worry about any wolves stalking her.

She hadn’t really been paying attention to what exactly was in front of her as she walked aimlessly looking skyward, causing bump into various parts of the landscape twice, but she stops to look when around when she feels wet grass brush against her. Usually that meant there was a body of water nearby… and soon enough, Estel eventually manages to make out the view of a wide river with a moderately fast current. The water is dark like the abyss, but welcoming all the same.

Without so much as a second thought, Estel slowly wades into the water. It’s cold and fairly deep, but as soon as the water level reaches her back, she grits her teeth. Her back. She had forgotten about that. The slavers from before… She knew the results of hot iron pressed to someone’s back enough times and with enough pressure. It would be fitting to be forever branded property of the Tevinter Imperium given who she needed to oppose. Needed to but did not want to. It’s a bitter thought given how she despised the Imperium for what it represented to her People…

While she steels herself for the worse, as she slowly pulls up her tunic to see what exactly had been inflicted on her, nothing could have prepared her for the image that makes her heart sink when she looks at her reflection in the water.

She had expected a dragon. Angry red marks from brands. Damaged skin that would never heal. Not… a wolf. His accursed symbol…. Now etched into her form was a wolf of pale grey though it might actually be blue. Just like his eyes which she was never sure of what colour his eyes were depending on the light.

It was hard enough believing that the woman in the water’s reflection was still her, let alone him doing such a thing. She didn’t look so damaged and hurt… She didn’t look like someone who had given up her everything, or one who had given up on everything. It just… never seemed enough with him. Her vallaslin had left her bare when he stripped the accursed markings away from her right before forsaking her, branded himself onto her broken heart. It wasn’t enough that every waking moment of hers was spent thinking of him. Now after everything that she had to endure because of him, he had seen it fit to tattoo his own symbol to her.

It was always what he wanted… though it will be for the last time she hopes, praying that she will finally walk her own din’anshiral.

_She is tired. So very tired._

Estel closes her eyes, and exhales softly.  _I love you, Solas._ She is heedless of her tears, letting them fall wherever they may as she lets the water swallow them, and the rest of her body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... obviously the next chapter will have to have solas's pov. almost at the end... though I don't know if it will be the next chapter.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sigh* The hardest thing I suppose to cope with when someone passes away is that when your family comes over is the fact that you have to deal with the realization that you will always be setting up one chair less than what you’ve grown up with and always expect to see filled. One spot that is now forever empty.  
> ...working through pain and emotions... is hard.
> 
> Solas POV… for obvious reasons. didn't really edit. also I changed one of the last sentences in the last chapter sometime ago.

The first thing he sees immediately is the fear in their eyes. He doesn’t blame his agents for the response though. He cannot. Even he is sickened by his own actions to some degree, but they must be taken in the pursuit of his goal.

There is no life save that from theirs and the plants that surround them in this now desolate camp of estranged statues, contorted in either agony or resistance. These Qunari had fought to the last, and while he knows more will come as they always do, this will buy him another small reprieve away from their insistent desire to try to stop him in their misguided path, just as this served as a distraction from his own feelings.

Still. He will not blame the Qunari for taking the actions that they believe correct because they simply do not know better. They do not know what it is to _think._ Solas pauses for a moment as he watches two of his agents quickly conduct their sweep of the outpost. While he could easily handle everything that could possibly come his way given his power, they had insisted to come along with him since he still required what everyone else in Thedas needed. Food. Water. Sleep. Rest.

They hadn’t voiced their obvious concerns although they knew how he hadn’t been resting at all, let alone sleeping recently. Sometimes… it was easier to avoid the dreaming that way. That way, he wouldn’t see his heart every night. He wouldn’t see his blinding light of warmth and love in his world of darkness. Even in his dreams, the pale substitutes he saw of her were more than what he deserved. There, she was whole and happy…. almost real enough to touch. Her dream self was free and unrestrained… unlike the beautiful spirit that she still was though he had all but crushed it when he confined her in the body that he had broken. The fire in his life who brimmed with energy was who he wanted, not the one who had been tarnished by him, and on the verge of extinguishing itself.

The last few nights had been no exception in seeing her with the little hours he slept, but it hadn’t been a dream. It was a waking nightmare as he did his best, trying to mend her body back together again as he forced himself to stay awake. He had to see the healers work, he had to be there to try and help her. He had to. The damage his magic left behind on her was something that he would never forgive himself for, so if he could make anything that would make a difference, he would.

Yesterday it had nearly broken his heart completely when she was awake before he administered more anaesthetics to keep her under. She did not believe in the future. She could not believe in them, just like how he could not believe that their love would… _endure_. It was almost ironic. Two years ago he would have welcomed the news with more open arms, though still with a bitter heart if she had let his heart go then, but no. She carried her undying torch for him during their time apart. The lapse in judgement he had made to save her from his Anchor had undone him when he saw her again, where he once again turned away from her. She could not believe in them anymore once they parted and he had crippled her. It would have been easier to let go then… and more merciful.

She would never be able to find solace in the man named Solas. The thought chills him down to his soul. She wanted everything to be over. She wanted to be release from the burden that came with falling in love with someone like him. She was determined to set herself up on her own din’anshiral, forever putting herself out of his reach. She wanted to turn to death to escape from him and the love she still bore for him, carrying it away for eternity.

He hates himself for what he has done to her, and his selfishness did not help when anything concerned the Inquisitor. No, that wasn’t right. She never wanted to be burdened with the duty of fixing Thedas. She didn’t want to be the Inquisitor. She wanted to be Estel. Just Estel. His Estel…. His _vhenan_. No matter how adamantly he denied it to himself, his selfishness would not, rather could not allow her to remove herself completely so she could be free.

The first time he had felt such a feeling was when she had brought down a mountain on top of her. He had been well aware of the dangers, but the idea, the _notion,_ that she could be killed was haunting. She had woken up something within him that he had all but forgotten, but that same feeling invoked fear. Losing her… there were some fates that would have been worse than his failure, or even his own death. The thought of losing her to face the ages of the world alone without her learning the truth… no matter how limited their time would be together… she would always be in danger. She could always be killed. He did not know how to live without her, the Anchor in his waking thoughts.

“Fen’Harel!”

“What happened?” He immediately recognizes concern in the healer’s voice the moment he’s greeted when walks out of the eluvian upon his return. It was one of the healers who had helped him with Estel’s recovery though he had given strict instructions to all of them to not to get too close for their own safety, and to keep an out.

“Inquisitor Lavellan, she’s -” _gone._ He knows what the healer is going to say and immediately rushes to Estel’s room, not bothering to hear the rest. He mentally cursed himself for his own stupidity as he examines the room. The bedframe is against the wall and the mattress has been stripped of its bed sheets which are completely gone from the room. The only window which is nearly a two metres above in the wall of stone has been shattered only at the top, with just enough space for someone to slip through and there is remarkably very little glass on the ground, meaning the rest was outside.

She had always been resourceful… and he knew better than most that those backed into corners could not be easily predicted, and he was certain that she felt trapped in one.

He has to go after her.

The sky was still dark and the first signs of dawn would not be making themselves known for a significant amount of time as he grabs a lit torch before he locates her landing spot. There was the faint scent of her blood in the air, meaning she had likely cut herself unintentionally. It’s a cold comfort knowing that she would never be able to directly take her own life in such a manner.

Taking a small sample into his palm, he concentrates magic into it slightly. They had both expressed their dislike for Templars yet now he was using one of the methods they used to locate her.

He runs. Thoughts of the promises to be there for one another were all but broken race in his mind. Where had she gone?! Panic erupts in his breast as he does his best to follow her trail. Even now, she was not easily followed and the direct approach to her location led him through a hazardous route of rocks. It was unlikely that she had taken this path given her condition, but time was more important to him than safety. Please don’t let him be too late… He will never forgive himself if he’s too late… He can live with her hating him. He can live her not forgiving him. He cannot however and will not be able to forgive himself if she dies because of him. Because of him.

Every step he takes feels as if it were in the span of a millennia, and it will take an eternity to reach her at this rate. Time seems to move slowly to him and he thinks that it will be impossible for him to be fast enough to do anything.

Then he stops.

There’s a shadow in the centre of the river less than a metre away that he can barely make out in the darkness. _No…_ Instinct tells him he already knows who it is. “No!”

He throws himself into without a second thought and all he can do is think about reaching her as he dives down to reach her.

He focuses on her body. There are no bubbles coming from her open mouth and her eyes are shut. The cold water helps open up his dulled senses that were on the verge of panicking. Each second her head remains below the cold water is another second that increases his chances of him losing her.

The current isn’t strong, but the water is deep enough so that he can’t stand up and it takes extra effort to expel Estel’s head from the water. He gasps for air as he does his best to keep her afloat. Exhaustion was taking its toll on his body and this terrible slip in judgement could cost him everything.

The distance back to the shoreline seems farther and almost kilometres away as he swims back with her head on his chest so that he can ensure that her mouth and nose remain above water. All he can think about is hoping that he’s not too late now that she rests against him.

He’s careful when he pulls her out of the water. Tilting her chin upward so that her airways are not obstructed, his heart sinks since her chest does not rise.

Carefully pressing his ear to her heart, praying to hear the once familiar beat, he closes his eyes and listens.

There is nothing but silence.

Self-pity would have to come later, and he knows it will but he does not want to succumb to grief now. For a second his gaze lingers on her as she lies there completely motionless. There is peace singing through her body and his heart aches. She looks so relaxed. So unburdened. So…. Free. The last time he had seen her like this had been back at Skyhold, where it felt like a lifetime ago. She used to rest her head in the crook of his neck as she slept beside him, utterly defenceless. She would curl against him with a smile that set his heart at ease and put it back into knots. Someone like him did not deserve someone as radiant as her…

Regret echoes through his soul as his gaze turns away. He cannot leave her like this. He doesn’t want to and he knows he cannot let her go. For all his power and magic, they were all but useless against despair and grief.

Pressing his palms against her chest he pushes downward over her heart and his lips meet hers. He needs a miracle. _Please…._ “Breathe, damn you… Breathe!”

“Please….vhenan… Come back to me.” Charging with hands with a careful amount of electricity he sends a small pulse of energy over her heart as he continues exhaling breaths into her between compressions He knows there are tears in his eyes and his voice is barely audible as he prays for her. _“I need you vhenan. Please, please come back to me….”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also happy Chinese New Year. Gong hey fat choi/gong see fa chai id put in the characters but I don't want to google them since my comp doesn't have a Chinese or Mandarin language installed that I know of... alternatively happy lunar new year.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well... I suffered from the 'I still can't write during the summer problem' that I always seem to have, though the changes in my family probably made it so that I was less likely to even bother updating everything. sorry for that.

_“You may save the Elvhen People… but… you can’t save me. Not anymore.”_ Her voice echoes in his mind as he continues his desperate attempt to jumpstart her heart. Estel had never been the best at articulating her words but ever since he had crippled her, she nearly completely refrained from even talking in her dreams. Even now he couldn’t fail to remember each of the ones he had intruded on, and especially in the rare instances when she took the initiative to speak.

Her extraordinarily rare and peaceful dreams usually took her to Skyhold, her clan, and on occasion, the Temple of Mythal, but more often than others, Estel dreamt of death. Sometimes it was her throat being cut by Red Templars in that building where they found Maddox. Having every fibre of her being corrupted and turned into red lyrium. Tortured to death by Corypheus. Being mauled by Corypheus’ corrupted dragon. Dying of loneliness at the Crossroads after every eluvian had been shattered, barring any attempt escape as the space closed in on her. Watching her clan get slaughtered then she herself being killed by some Venatori assassin.

While they all had been unpleasant to watch, he took some comfort knowing that they were only dreams, but her worse were when he was involved. In one particularly disheartening dream, he had been the one who had personally cut out her heart. It had been particularly cruel for him to witness as Estel actually seemed to be almost smiling through the process, saying how much better everything would have been if he could take her emotions away through such an act. She even laughed through her tears saying how ironic it was that her heart, which was causing her so much suffering was needed to keep her alive…. Bound to a world she no longer could find it in herself to love because of all the hurt such bonds caused her… The emotional breach in her heart had further been widened every time she dreamt of him, leaving her fractured…

If one ever doubted that the Dread Wolf had a ‘human side’ so to speak, she was the best proof. No one would have believed that anyone had come closer to him than how Estel did. Whether he allowed her to or not.

He was driven by a duty whose path easily blurred the line between justice and vengeance, but nothing he ever did could truly make him atone for what he had done to her. Her People…. They had no idea what they had lost, just as no one could fathom his own grievances. Dooming the elvhen to strike a blow against the Evanuris had caused parts of him to die in some ways then, and now knowing that the heart belonging to the woman before him had stopped had the same effect on him. She had died on the inside, and this caused his own heart to feel parts of it follow hers.

After forming the Veil he had renounced feeling, locking parts of himself away to save him from pain. It was safer that way as he sought to right his wrongs. The time required would be enormous but he had been too hurt to risk feeling again. His burden only contributing to the failure that drove him forward to persist, yet despite his efforts, this lone Dalish mage broke in through the defences around him, seemingly disarming him with that first look she had given him. The first to touch his heart in years beyond counting, and was the one who reminded him that he even had one. Her presence made him risk feeling all that pain again for a love he did not deserve…

Her most innocent desire to help others had already done too much. Since the beginning of the Inquisition and being drafted into becoming the Inquisitor with no say in her own fate, her selflessness would likely have put anyone to shame. Her courage was like a beacon of light, shining brightly despite the utter darkness he presented, and Estel’s fervent desire to help and protect others went beyond her reach. From the darkest caverns of the Deep Roads to the facing down a god-like dragon and a would-be god, there was no denying that her will allowed her to continue on such a perilous path, doing all she could…. regardless of her own expense. There was little difference in her selfless desire to come with him despite his Din’anshiral…. She wanted to alleviate his burden in the only way she knew how…

Solas almost closes his eyes before he lets out a deep breath into Estel as he focuses. His world was dark, and she was a light that he had tainted forever once they had come into contact…. No matter what was lost then and regardless of how he regretted dragging her down into his world inadvertently, he was sure that now more than ever, whatever happened he would cherish the time they had the love they shared, and would not be giving up so easily….

Time seems to lose its meaning as he continues breathing for her, praying that her body had been put to sleep by the cold water he found her in. The notion that he he’s too late and he’s failed her too, making her destined to become another figure added to the countless casualties does enter his mind as he continues, but he still persists. Nothing save the act of the Veil crashing down now could turn his attention from her at the moment, and every sense he had was completely focused on her, looking for any indication of life… and that persistence does not waver, even as he catches the glimpser of Estel’s finger faintly twitching as dawn breaks.

* * *

….

….

…

_“I need you vhenan. Please…. Please come back to me vhenan…”_

The first thing she registers are the lips crashing against hers that seem to make her very soul tremble as she vaguely registers someone pushing down on her chest almost desperately before warm air passes into her throat before whispering what she thinks sounds like a plea and prayer... Aside from that, there’s an intense burning in her chest and it feels like her ribs are broken as she tries to push the person off of her before violently coughing then vomiting to the side.

There’s little strength in her arms to say in the least, but she’s unexpectedly met with no resistance. Almost immediately after purging her body, she finds that her body collapses and it takes an effort on her part to consciously keep her eyelids from falling as she falls.

Shortly after her body hits the ground, there’s an almost identical sound that shorty accompanies her almost immediately, but it takes her several minutes for her to even register hearing such an impact. All she does is lie in a half-daze, uncomprehendingly and motionless, and she could barely make out her own circumstances now. _What had…?_ It takes a while for the thought to form in her mind as she slowly begins to register that she’s lying on damp grass. As she rests, Estel is soon able to clearly hear heavy breathing to the side, and it takes an effort on her part to even catch the sound of air being breathed in and out.

“Vhenan….” _Solas?_ Her eyes flicker for a moment as she recognizes the sound of his voice. He sounded…. both relieved and terrified. Hearing him now, she couldn’t help but wonder what had happened but her memory and thoughts were extremely fuzzy.

Somehow and sometime later, Estel finds that she had somehow managed to be put on her back with Solas by her side looking both wet and exhausted. “Solas…?”

Coughing as she tries to pull herself up, he gently pushes her right side down so that she can’t. “Don’t move, vhenan. You almost… It will take a while for you to regain your strength having almost drowned.”

The words from him seems to turn her mind back on though it takes several minutes for it to click, and she think he repeats his words more than once even after she manages to make it to her feet.

Seeing him now… she can’t help but feel both cheated and angry though she lacked the energy to show it or even act on it. No matter what she did…. he still wanted a hand in her life despite cutting himself out of it.

“…Of course, as you say, _Lord_ Fen’Harel.” Her voice is even weaker than how she feels and it takes a monumental effort to even get the words out, but her tone is still cold and laced with venom. Solas’ eyes flickers away for a moment and Estel can clearly see guilt in his expression as his entire body tenses while she looks at him.

Her gaze eventually breaks away though her movements are still sluggish, turning to watch the nearby river that could have been her salvation to free her from all her suffering if it hadn’t been for her vhenan’s damn interference…

“Don’t.” Solas’ voice is firm from behind her as she feels an unfortunately familiar magic run through her body, but there’s an almost desperate force in it. Estel thinks, that he pulls her away from the riverside, but her mind doesn’t really register any movement.

“What did you do…?” To say she’s disoriented is an understatement when Estel realizes that she’s in an unfamiliar environment and away from the sound of running water when her cognitive processes seem to turn themselves back on.

“It is what you did to yourself, even after I begged you not to.” His jaw tightens at her question, but Estel only laughs at that and shakes her head.

All he had done was confirm in some ways what she already knew which was that he did have some control over her body, though that wasn’t what she was asking about. “I was going to ask… what did you do that for? Did you think that I was going to try something…?”

Not waiting for a response, she continues though she does so apathetically. “What a ridiculous notion. If nothing else, my life has been a lesson in futility. You’ve taken my happiness… my dreams… my freedom… my hope… my dreams… my future… my love… my body and my soul… even what little peace I had with my last goddess who I honestly don't want to know whatever you've done to both Flemeth and Mythal... you just can’t stop at taking  things out of my life for your own sake... It truly would be pointless to fight against someone who's broken me down into a shell of someone who is no longer even me... regardless if it's for something that I want more than anything else in the world..”

While he doesn't say anything at that, Solas gently grasps her hand in his, bringing it up so that she touches his face with him holding her there. Confined by his warmth, Estel acknowledge that has she will likely never manage the one victory she yearns for… not when she has no will to resist this supposed god. She literally has nothing left.

“I will see to it that your body recovers from this before you return.” Her body is like a puppet to Solas’ words this time as she nods, and Estel knows that she can’t trust her heart let alone her head anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ever since I wrote Iatrogenesis, ive found it... easier to think depressing thoughts so it's been a bit easier to brainstorm ideas for this story. Anyway. sorry for being depressing again, and I should be able to conclude this story soon.

**Author's Note:**

> i feel realllly trashy for writing and posting this.... its a bit depressing sometimes.


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